nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
