Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
