Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
