i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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