Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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