Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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