I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
