my phone needs a breathalizer
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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