omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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