I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
