A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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