He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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