best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
