When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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