Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
