So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize