did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
