We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
