i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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