He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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