We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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