I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
