you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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