After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
