i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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