Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Only a mothe r could love this liver
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
