youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
