swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Damn victory sex feels great
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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