he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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