Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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