A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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