I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
