i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
