rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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