Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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