Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
