grandma shit on top of the toilet
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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