Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize