If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
