Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
