you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There's always time for handjobs
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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