shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize