shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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