I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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