someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
