you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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