My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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