Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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