So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
