His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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