She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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