Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
