they need to just BURY HIM!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
