evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize