How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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