i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
