OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize