I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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