mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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