I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
