girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
