She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
