I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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