NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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