one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
