he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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