HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
