u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Randomize
