She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
