Sry I called you an 8
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
